A Midsummer Night's Queer

You know Puck is a fairy, right? 

Well, yeah. Duh. Obviously. He is a hobgoblin. 

No, no. I mean, he's a fairy. You know? A poof. A bender. A nobshiner. He is gettin' it on with Oberon behind Titania's back. 

Is that interpretation or text? 

Text. I saw it on stage. 

So what if he is? 

It's just queer, innit. 

I have to bite me tongue, hard, not to laugh. 

This is the conversation I heard at the back of me English class while we were studyin' A Midsummer Night's Dream between Frankey Baker and Sara Kahn. 

'Course it's fuckin' queer. It's Shakespeare, innit? His plays were as queer as they came. Even before you account for the fact that men played women—and asses and fairies and sprites and witches. Helped bring drag to the masses, long before RuPaul, but far less glam and camp. 

You ever seen one of those shows? I have.

All of them. Well, at least those one's not locked behind the fuckin' WOW paywall.  

That were me for so long, until Dana Lewis showed me the Wondrous World of Piratebay. Absolute lifesaver. I mean, who has that kind of money to keep up with all these subscription services? 

Anyway, me point is check out Drag Race. It's proper mint. 

I get such gender envy just lookin' at all the girls as they Shantay and Sashay away. 

Though even then Shakespeare weren't the first. That would be the Greeks. Or maybe even Egyptians? You know the pharaoh, right? Hatshepsut?

Anyway, as I say, Shakespeare, innit. 

Could of just as easily called it A Midsummer Night's Queer. The Queerest. Twelfth Night of Pride. 

They were as queer as me. 

Though no one knew it.

I were very subtle back then. Had to be. Didn't wanna end up like Danny Geller. He had to move schools after he were caught kissin' Giles Rosenberg behind the bike sheds. Giles said it were a dare and proceeded to beat Danny black and blue while his friends watched and cheered. Took three teachers just to pull Giles off him. I weren't there. I were off with tonsillitis. I heard about it afterwards from Lucas. He'd seen it all. Lucas was bisexual. He had a thing with both Frederica and George Portland. They were all okay with it. This isn't some massive cheatin' scandal. Life isn't like Hollyoaks. Thank god. Fuckin' hate that show. 

Lucas was the one to go get Mr DeLamb, the P.E teacher. Built like a brick shithouse was Mr DeLamb, and as mad as a box of frogs. People call him Mr Bedlam. He's the best. 

It weren't a dare. Danny and Giles. I know it weren't a dare. 

I know because me and Danny are mates. And we shared that kind of stuff. We queer kids keep a low profile, but we talk. We connect. We bond over the daily struggle of keepin' our heads down and keepin' people off our backs.  

So, yeah. I knew they were goin' at it. He thought it were love. Poor Danny. He's doin' much better though. Apparently, he is steppin' out with someone who ain't an abusive piece of shit. 

Maybe I'm bein' too hard on Giles. Giles is in Egypt... you know, De'Nile. If he were any further in the closet, he would be in Narnia. 

You know the one I'm talkin' about. The Furry, The Queen and The BRIMNES ... (Me Mam took us to IKEA the other day. Spent four hours lookin' round at furniture we had no intention of buyin'. All for the purpose of a family day out. Had Swedish meatballs and a Daim cake. The meatballs were proper nice. Mam got a bag of frozen to take with us. Had them for me tea for the next month. That were less nice. I were sick of them by Thursday.)

 

Me teacher then asked us if we knew any other Shakespeare plays. 

Twelfth Night. Macbeth. Much A Do About Nothin'. The Tempest. 

 

Full fathom five thy father lies;

Of his bones are coral made;

Those are pearls that were his eyes;

Nothin' of him that doth fade,

But doth suffer a sea change

Into summit rich and strange.

Sea-nymphs hourly ring his knell:

Ding-dong.

Hark! now I hear them — Ding-dong, bell.

 

No? Anyone? 

 

He called us uncultured and compared us to yoghurt... Not the kind that's good for you'se. The one with jam that never comes out the fuckin' corner, so you end up eatin' both separately. 

Weren't just that. He insulted us in French: called us frotarge. He thinks he's clever. Funny. I think he's a cunt.

I can say that word. I'm Scottish. To us cunt is second nature - like a greetin.

 

How're you doin' cunt? 

Nice to see ya, cunt. 

You're a real card-carryin' cunt, Barney. I wish I'd never met you. 

 

I were five when I first heard that.

Me Mam used it to describe me Dad. It were him who told me that it were a compliment... Which it ain't, but I'll let him have this one. 

He don't live with us anymore, does Barney, me dad. He lives with his ... what were it me Mam said? Oh yeah... "his tart in Cheltenham". 

So I only see him every second month - mainly in the school hols - and then every other Christmas/Boxin' Day. I never go down to his. He comes to us. He and me mam sit in awkward silence, glarin' at one another over a Toby Carvery ... You ever had one of those? The mint sauce is delicious. Proper minty. Dana said you can get it from Farm Foods. She snuck us a bottle. 

 

I like Dana. I think I might love her, like. She's like me. Queer. Trans. We keep ourselves to ourselves unless in the other's - or another queer student's - company. 

We once made out with one another to Can You Feel the Love Tonight. We were both sixteen at the time. In me bedroom. Mam had no problems with "us boys" bein' in the same room together with the door closed. 

We don't correct her. She won't get it. She hates "pronouns." Refuses to use them. In fact, they are banned from our house. 

Even though when she said this, she said "I." Which is a fuckin' pronoun in itself. Hah! Mrs Holmes would be dead chuffed with that. She were me English teacher before she went on maternity leave, and we got stuck with Mr Moriarty. No, I am not fuckin' kiddin'. It's like these people gravitate towards teachin' English. I bet the head picked it for a laugh.  

Me Mam hates Dana, mind. She calls her a bad influence. She's seen her shopliftin' from Farm Foods, Iceland, Marks and Spencer's. The last time were because of me. She asked if I wanted anythin' from the shop, and I had been hearin' Kit boast about tryin' sushi for the first time, and said it were the best thing he'd ever had. So I asked her if I could have some of that. She said 'course. 

Anyway, she smuggled it out in her hoodie, and we shared it over lunch. 

It were alright. A bit fishy. But nice enough. 

Dana told us how much it would of cost without her "five-finger discount" ... £5.50 for a small portion of rice and fish. What else is in it, gold dust?

I might ask Dana if she wants to be me girlfriend. 

****

She said yes!!!!!!!!

****

So does this Ariel want to be part of Prospero's world? Or does she want to just Let It Go?

Ariel's a boy.

Girl.

Boy. 

Girl. 

Boy.

Non-binary. 

Queer. 

Queer. 

Let's go with queer. 

 

Yeah.

Ariel. Puck. Orseno. Viola. Antonio.

They're all queer. 

Just like me.