Pat & Miranda

Jingle bells. Jingle bells. I ... where are my keys... Damn. That's not them. Not them. Oh, midnight... IT'S CHRISTMAS!!!

Oi, shut it, we're trying to kip up here!

You shut it, Cash-back! 

What's going on? 

Go back to bed, love, it's only Pat making a FUCKING RACKET!  

Oh... hiya Pat. 

Hey Moira! How are you? 

Err... tired. Ha... You? 

I'm absolutely heartbroken, Moira!  

Oh, no, I'm sorry to hear that, pet.

Not your fault. It wasn't you. Did Cash wake you? He should really know better than to do that. Hah, men. Who needs them? Not me. My Jerome dumped me. 

Finally got sick of you, did he? 

Cash! I'm so sorry, Pa —

Fuck you, Cash-for-Gold! ... MiranDA. MiRANda. Yoo-hoo! You in here? Please, I need to talk to you! MIRANDA! 

--- Pat? Wh---?

Ohmygodmirandaitisabslutelyawfuljeromeleftmeiamabsolutelydevastatedheleftmeforagirlfromjarrowhugetitsandapermidontknowwhattodowhatamitodo... 

... Come inside, Pat... Cash, Moira, I am so sorry about this. 

Quite all right, Miranda. 

 I'll make sure we keep the noise down.

Thanks. Sorry for snapping. Work has been, ugh...

No explanation needed. I'll leave you to it. And, err, Merry Christmas. 

You too. 

MIRANDA! 

Just coming, Pat. --- Good night to you both. 

********

He left me. He left me. On Christmas Eve. What kind of shit does that to someone? I bet Jesus wasn't stood up by a man on - hi'cup - the eve of his birthday. 

I'll get you a drink. 

God yes! A drink! I still have some here ... somewhere. Ah, here we go... The Devil's Piss! Ha!

How much of that did you drink? 

Not much...

How much? 

Half... 

Pat, that's 68%. 

I'm fine. I mixed it with cranberry. Made it festive. 

I'm getting you water 

I don't want water. I don't like water. 

Well, hot chocolate then. 

I'm not six... Can I have it with whipped cream? ... And marshmallows?  

Yes. 

Thank - hi'cup - you. You're too good to me. I don't tell you that enough. 

I'll get you that now. Hang tight, yeah? Do you need me to bring you the washing-up bowl? 

... ... ... 

I'll bring it just in case. 

... ... What did I do to deserve you? - hi'cup - I fucking love you. 

You too. 

I really do. You always take such good care of ... fuck, I need the bowl --- false ala--- no spoke too soon! 

I'll get your hair... There you go. Just let it all out, yeah? 

I'm sor--- 

It's fine. It's what it's there for. 

Not washing up? 

We got a dishwasher.

Get you... 

Landlord wanted one: it's no big deal. Made the bowl sort of redundant. At least for dishes. 

I like the colour. Grey... Grey and bleak like my life without my Jerome... I miss him. 

... 

I miss him. The philadnering no good, four timing-knuckleheaded idiot. 

... 

I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for shouting at Cash. I'll go make it up to him... 

Not just now. Let him sleep, yeah? Do it tomorrow. 

But I won't be here tomorrow... Wait, are you inviting me to stay over?

I am highly recommending it. 

Yeah? 

You can take my bed tonight. I would have said take the spare room, but I have company. 

Oh? 

Me sibling. They're over for Christmas. 

I didn't know you had a sibling. Are they as cool as you? 

Well, they're an amateur wrestler and Trekkie, so you tell me. 

That sounds very cool. Hi, Miranda's sibling!! Oh... SHHHH! Sorry. You're probably asleep. I'LL BE QUIET! SHHH!! 

I'll just grab your drink. 

Hmm. I feel sleepy.

Yeah? 

So very... very ... slee --- ---- --- ... ... ... 

Pat? Pat? Ha... sleep well, Pat.