Ruby & Harry

SETTING:

Sapphire's modest flat.

A worn but cosy living room with mismatched furniture - a sofa, armchair, coffee table cluttered with makeup supplies, magazines, comic books and a TV guide bought for Anita Dobson and Archie Panjabi on the cover.

A mirror is propped against the wall.

The doors leading to the kitchen and upstairs have been decorated with posters.

Someone has left a passive-aggressive Post-it note for Phoenix on the hallway vase, reminding him to water the plants. Underneath the message is a drawing of a withered plant and an unhappy, crying face drawn in red biro.

The space feels lived-in and welcoming.

Sapphire's Pride Playlist is on in the background. Every so often, the music stops in an attempt to guilt-trip them into buying Spotify Premium.

TIME:

Evening, present day.

=============================

SCENE 1

SAPPHIRE (54 in full drag (drag queen); big hair, big lips and powder blue eyeshadow) is arranging her makeup supplies on the coffee table with professional precision. RUBY (26, mousy, in a white mini dress) sits nervously in the armchair, fidgeting with her glasses. PHOENIX (29, in fish nets, a tight black leather mini skirt and crop top) lounges on the sofa, feet up. GARY, ROCHELLE and HARRY are on the floor. GARY (a 23-year-old cub with sandy blonde hair, wearing jeans and a polo shirt) is holding a battered, second-hand neon-pink PS5 controller. ROCHELLE (30, in drag as renowned drag king Clit Eastwood) is painting her nails the same baby blue as her lips. HARRY (21 today, in double denim and a small pink beanie with a cartoon bat) sits cross-legged on the floor. He is playing with a cat toy. They don't have a cat. He just likes the way it bounces and jingles.

RUBY: (hesitant) I've never done this before.

SAPPHIRE: (looking up from organising brushes) No?

RUBY: No. I've always wanted to, but... (touches her face self-consciously, voice wavering) I always thought people would laugh at me.

SAPPHIRE: (pausing, their eyes meet, gently) Does that scare you, love?

RUBY: Doesn't it you?

SAPPHIRE: (continuing to arrange makeup) I don't know. Sometimes. But if I refused to do something out of fear of someone mocking me, judging me, or worse... Well, I wouldn't be doing anything productive with my life. And I am not giving anyone that satisfaction.

RUBY: This is productive? A night out on the lash?

PHOENIX: (grinning, not looking up from phone as he takes a suggestive photo of his exposed belly button and V-line for Grindr) Absolutely. And if this goes well, who knows... Maybe you'll get reproductive.

RUBY: (horrified) Ewww. Never say that again. Me God! You're so gross!

PHOENIX: (mock wounded) Come on. I thought that were good.

RUBY: Still ew. (takes a breath, decisive) So go on then, Sapphire, doll me up.

SAPPHIRE: (standing, theatrical) Doll you... I am not here to just doll you up, Ruby. I am here to make you a work of art. My Mona Lisa. My Venus, my...

PHOENIX: (deadpan) Tracey Emmin's unmade bed.

SAPPHIRE spins around, makeup brush in hand like a weapon.

SAPPHIRE: Phoenix! You either sit there and shut up, or I send you out with the rest of the lads on the piss.

PHOENIX: (mock panic, swinging legs down) Oh, no way, I don't want to go on the lash with the Cis “straight” lads. The last time I did, one of them were drinking a mojito shot out my belly button. Guess he got confused about what a fuzzy navel were. You ever done that, Rubes? Garry? Rochelle? No? Ugh, you're no fun. It weren't half bad. Though trust me, down there hadn't been that salty since that trip to Mykonos for Matti's 25th. (turning to Sapphire) Do you remember that Sapphi?

SAPPHIRE: (waving brush dismissively) No, Chuck, because, if you remember, that was the week I had a bad pasty from Knock-Off Nigel and went down with food poisoning.

RUBY: (concerned) Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Saph. Were you alright?

SAPPHIRE: (touched by the concern, softening) Aww. Thanks for asking, Ruby pet. Yeah, I was fine. Recovered within the week and was back just in time for karaoke on Sunday.

Gary: I had that when I bought a beef wellington from him for Christmas. Last time I buy anything from him, the dirty bastard. I know he doesn't wash his hands.

HARRY: Wait, what? ... I bought a sausage roll from him this afternoon.

PHOENIX: Harry! When a stranger comes around selling random, mysterious meat from a box, you don't just buy it, no questions asked.

HARRY: It wasn't a stranger... It was Nigel.

PHOENIX: Strange then.

Sapphire steps toward Ruby, brush in hand, focusing intently.

SAPPHIRE: Now, I'm going to need to remove your glasses. Is that alright?

RUBY: (removing glasses, handing them over) You don't need to ask like. Do whatever you need to do to me face. I wanna look beautiful.

SAPPHIRE: (taking glasses, sincere) Darling, you already do.

RUBY: (voice soft, shrinking in on herself) I don't.

SAPPHIRE: (looking to Phoenix for backup) Phoenix, will you tell her?

PHOENIX: (pausing, sincere for once) Saph's right. You're the most beautiful out of everyone here... So fuck you, very much. You and those cheekbones. 

RUBY: (surprised, pleased) Well... thank you.

SAPPHIRE begins applying makeup to Ruby's face. 

The group settles in to watch. 

HARRY continues to play with the cat toy, eventually rolling onto his back as he attempts to balance the feather on his nose. PHOENIX notices this out of the corner of his eye and rolls his eyes in mild amusement.

PHOENIX: (Under his breath) Such a Puppy. Should buy him a neoprene hood. (Louder, to Ruby) So, Ruby, you on the pull tonight?

SAPPHIRE: (not looking up from her work) Phoenix! You don't ask a lady that.

PHOENIX: (pause, then:) ... ... ... So, are you?

RUBY: (laughing despite herself) Hopefully.

PHOENIX: Nice.

RUBY: I don't know. I probably shouldn't. But how this week has been, I thought, why not treat meself?

SAPPHIRE: (still working, supportive) Good for you, pet.

RUBY: Besides, if Daisy has moved on, then why must I sit about moping in me pants playing Jedi Fallen Order?

GARY perks up immediately

GARY: Which planet are you on?

RUBY: (eyes still closed) Ilum.

GARY: (impressed) Ooh, not bad. (in a sing-song voice) Home of the Kyber Crystal Temple.

PHOENIX: (incredulous) What kind of question is that, Gary?

GARY: (defensive) What? I'm only asking. I'm on Kashykk.

PHOENIX: (rolling eyes) Well, you would be, wouldn't you, you walking carpet.

HARRY: (puzzled) Is that a line from the game?

GARY: (proudly) It's a New Hope.

HARRY: Which one's that?

ROCHELLE: (from across the room) First film.

HARRY: Episode One?

There is a beat. GARY stares at HARRY, horrified, struggling to respond.

GARY: (pained) No.

HARRY: (trying to make a joke, but is clearly embarrassed) Jeez, alright, I was only asking. Calm yourself down, Mr Spock.

ROCHELLE covers her face with her hands.

ROCHELLE: Babes, I love you, but put down the shovel before you're in Australia, okay?

HARRY: (genuinely confused) I don't know what that means.

ROCHELLE: Exactly.

HARRY continues playing with the cat toy but withdraws a bit, looking down.

SAPPHIRE claps her hands once, commanding attention.

SAPPHIRE: Right, can I have Doncaster Comic-Con take a backseat? I'm trying to get Ruby ready for a big night of pleasurable sex and probable regret.

RUBY: (eyes still closed, resigned) Definite regret.

ROCHELLE: It definitely will be with Sapphire doing your makeup. Why didn't you ask Phoenix?

SAPPHIRE: (mock offended) Probably because she didn't want to look like she fake-tanned in Fanta.

PHOENIX: (indignant) Do you mind? This tan is all natural.

SAPPHIRE: (scoffing while applying makeup) Absolute rubbish. Our Nicola saw you in Tanz.

PHOENIX: (caught, muttering) ... Nosy bitch.

SAPPHIRE: (final warning, not looking up) Right, I won't tell you again, Rochelle, Gary, Phoenix, pipe down and let me work my magic.

Beat. Everyone settles. Then: 

PHOENIX: (stage whisper) So how's that mechanic you're banging, Gary?

GARY: (looking around nervously) What? Luke?

PHOENIX: Aye.

GARY: He's fine.

PHOENIX: (grinning) He certainly is... (to the room) What? I'm just saying. Have you seen the arms on him? I'd let him fix my engine.

GARY: (dryly) Yeah, Phoenix, you'll be in safe hands with Luke. He's used to doing up old bangers.

PHOENIX: (outraged, standing) Old?! I'm 27!!

ROCHELLE: (not looking up from her phone) Bullshit. We all know you're 29. That's middle age in queer time, dearie. I mean, look at Sapphire, she's practically an elder. 

SAPPHIRE: (proud of her queer elder status, still working) And I've never felt more spry.

GARY: I know. She's got all of her own teeth. Well, mostly.

SAPPHIRE turns, makeup brush raised threateningly.

SAPPHIRE: Garry Gardner, if I weren't doing this beauty's face, I would have you over my knee.

PHOENIX: (slyly) Isn't that how Luke had you last night, Gary?

GARY: (defensive) Oi... I'm totally a top.

Everyone except RUBY and HARRY burst into laughter.

GARY: (genuinely confused) Why are you all laughing at that?

SAPPHIRE: (trying not to laugh while working) I'm sorry, pet, but it's very hard to believe that.

RUBY: (loyally, eyes still closed) Oh, leave him alone. Of course, you're versatile, Gary.

ROCHELLE moves to get a better look at Ruby.

ROCHELLE: How's she coming along, Saph?

SAPPHIRE: (protective of her work) Don't rush me. This is my art. My canvas. My muse.

RUBY: (hopefully) Can I open me eyes yet, Sapphire?

SAPPHIRE: A few more minutes, love. But I got to say, you're in for a treat.

PHOENIX: (leaning forward to look) Oh, aye, she's looking cracking. Just like an Ewok.

SAPPHIRE: (whipping around) WHAT?

PHOENIX: (hands up, grinning) Just messing, Saph... Jeez, how did you play Blackpool with skin so thin?

SAPPHIRE: (muttering, returning to work) Not as thin as your hairline.

PHOENIX: (not hearing) What were that?

SAPPHIRE: (sweetly) Nothing, Phoenix...

HARRY shifts nervously. He's stopped playing with the cat toy. 

HARRY: (voice small, pulling knees to chest) I don't really know about any of this stuff.

Beat. The room notices his tone.

PHOENIX: (gentler than usual) What stuff? What you mean like?

HARRY: (gesturing vaguely) From before. Films, games...

PHOENIX: Oh, Christ, we’re back on this are w--?

HARRY: ... Normal things people talk about. I never really... (trails off)

GARY: (warmly) Harry, mate, there's no such thing as normal. Specially in this house.

PHOENIX: What's not normal about this house?

No one answers.

HARRY: (small smile) Right. I just... I'm still figuring out how to be around people again. Proper people.

SAPPHIRE: (not stopping her work on Ruby, but focused on Harry) What d'you mean by that, pet?

HARRY: (hesitant) People who... who want me around, I suppose.

Silence. PHOENIX starts to make a joke, then thinks better of it.

ROCHELLE: Well, you're stuck with us now.

HARRY: (brightening slightly) Yeah?

ROCHELLE: Yeah. We're like a really shit support group. No getting out.

PHOENIX: (mock serious) It's true. I tried to leave once. Sapphire threatened to tell my mum about the incident with the traffic cone full of lube.

SAPPHIRE: (not looking up) And I still might if you don't behave.

HARRY laughs - the first real laugh we've heard from him.

HARRY: (quietly) It's my birthday today.

Everyone stops what they're doing.

SAPPHIRE: (immediately) Is it?! Harry! Why didn't you say? Happy birthday, Flower.

HARRY: Thank you. I'm... I'm sorry. I just... I wasn't sure if... if it mattered. That's why I'm saying now.

PHOENIX: Course it bloody matters. How old are you, Harry? 26?

HARRY: 21.

SAPPHIRE: (delighted) Oh, a big milestone one. You should have said, we would have got you a cake.

PHOENIX: (grinning) Would have got you a stripper. Someone in leather and fetish gear, judging by your internet history.

HARRY: (panicking) My... what?

PHOENIX: Yeah. Word of advice: when your flatmate asks to borrow your laptop, remember to delete your browser history. Or use incognito like everyone else.

HARRY looks mortified. 

SAPPHIRE: (protective) Oh, bless. You ignore them, Harry. It's not your fault you're not techno-literate. (to Phoenix) Pack it in, you.

PHOENIX: (mock contrite) Yes, mum.

SAPPHIRE: Better.

HARRY: (bitter edge creeping in) Milestone birthdays are supposed to be shared, aren't they? With friends and... (stops himself)

Understanding passes between the group.

SAPPHIRE: (gently, still working) Well then. Lucky us, getting to share it with you.

HARRY: (surprised) Really?

RUBY: (eyes still closed but smiling) Harry, love, you're asking the wrong question.

HARRY: What should I be asking?

RUBY: Not whether we want to celebrate with you. Whether you want to celebrate with us.

HARRY: (voice thick) Yeah. Yeah, I really do.

SAPPHIRE: Oh, I'm glad, pet. (stepping back from Ruby) Now... I think we are almost done here. Just one more, and... (final touch) you can open your eyes now, love.

RUBY opens her eyes, catching sight of her reflection in the mirror. Her face lights up with joy.

RUBY: Oh, Saph! Thank you! Thank you! I look... I look...

PHOENIX: (helpfully) Good enough to finger blast?

RUBY: (laughing) I... was going to say beautiful.

PHOENIX: Oh, aye, I suppose that too.

ROCHELLE: (admiringly) You'll pull looking like that.

RUBY: Thank you.

HARRY has been staring

HARRY: (quietly) ... ... ... I think you look incredible.

RUBY: (touched) Oh, thanks, Harry. (hopeful) Are you going to get in the chair too?

SAPPHIRE: (eager) Oh, yeah, I could do your make-up too?

HARRY: (uncertain) Do you think I need some?

PHOENIX: (starting to say something cruel) Always. Have you seen your fa--

SAPPHIRE: (sharp) Phoenix!

HARRY: (quietly) Could I maybe have a bit of lippie?

SAPPHIRE: (delighted) Course you can. What colour?

HARRY: What've you got?

GARY: (under his breath) Wrong question. She's got more colours than Lloyd Webber saw when he wrote Joseph.

SAPPHIRE: (considering Harry's face) How about a nice muted colour? Nothing too out there, but show how luscious and beautiful your lips are.

HARRY: (surprised) You think I have beautiful lips?

SAPPHIRE: (gently) Doesn't matter what I think, pet.

RUBY: (sincere) But, if you want a genuine answer, yes, you do.

PHOENIX: (dramatically) Oh, here we go. She's gonna break out the Abigail's Party.

GARY: Hey, that was in What It Feels Like For a Girl. You watched it, right?

PHOENIX: Binged it. Had me in floods.

HARRY: Not seen it yet. Don't tell me how it ends, I want to watch it on iPlayer.

PHOENIX: (mischievously) Well, you know Paris---

RUBY: (quickly) Phoenix!

GARY: One of these days, someone is going to buy a gag for you... And not the fun kind.

PHOENIX: (grinning) I have seven. One for each day of the week.

HARRY: (innocently) Who needs a daily gag?

PHOENIX: (wickedly) Add an S and change the first g to an h, and you'll see why.

SAPPHIRE throws her hands up

SAPPHIRE: And we're back to smut. Here I was hoping we would have a moment to appreciate some culture, but I forgot who I'm dealing with. (to Harry) You sure you want to join us, Harry? Not too late to back out and join your pals?

PHOENIX: Yeah, you can go and play Pokémon Go or whatever you young nerds play these days.

SAPPHIRE: (warning) Phoenix, one more snide comment and we'll be leaving you behind. Behave.

PHOENIX: (sighing) Okay. Fine... (genuinely) Happy 21st, Harry.

HARRY: (touched) Thanks, Phoenix. Thanks, everyone.

RUBY stands, energised.

RUBY: Right? Who's ready to go out and have some fun?!

EVERYONE: (save Harry, though he is excited too) YEAH!!!

SAPPHIRE: (shooing them toward the door) Right, you go on out. I need to throw on my glad rags. (to Harry, with a wink) Oh, and Harry, if Phoenix gives you any trouble, you have my expressed permission to twat him round the head with my purse.

HARRY: (grinning) Thanks, Sapphire.

SAPPHIRE: Oh, you're welcome, pet.

Lights dim as they exit, chattering excitedly.

==================================

SCENE 2

Later that night. The flat is messier - takeaway containers, empty bottles. LUKE (25, built like a Rugby Player in jeans and a tight, sleeveless t-shirt) has joined them.

PHOENIX sits alone, clearly in a mood. RUBY looks dishevelled but happy. ROCHELLE is sprawled in the armchair. GARY and LUKE are cuddling on the sofa.  HARRY sits quietly in an armchair, fidgeting with a squeaky bone. He is still in his lipstick. It is slightly smeared - as though he had been kissing.

GARY: (stretching) Ugh. Well, I've never seen the club that quiet.

RUBY: (confused) It was packed. You could barely move.

GARY: Precisely. If it's not like a tin of sardines, then it's quiet as fuck. (looking at Phoenix) Still, someone looks happy. Have a nice time, Phoenix?

PHOENIX: (sulking) Fuck off.

GARY: (grinning) Oh? You just bitter that young Harry found a fella and you didn’t?

PHOENIX: (defensive) No! Why would I have to be jealous. I danced with Dorian Ra-- 

No one is listening. 

Everyone is looking at HARRY with interest. He blushes and covers his eyes with his beanie. In his stimming, he squeezes the bone. It lets out a loud squeak that makes Ruby giggle. 

ROCHELLE: And what about you, Ruby? How was your evening?

RUBY: (taking inventory of herself) Alright, I think. Fully conscious. Fully clothed and can walk in a straight line. So I would say a triumph.

SAPPHIRE enters from the kitchen, still in full drag.

SAPPHIRE: Oh, I'm glad to hear,  Flower. You look a million dollars.

RUBY: (touching her face) I feel it. Thanks again for tonight, Saph. It is just what I needed. 

SAPPHIRE: Any time, pet. Any time. Just not Wednesdays. That's double duty down Noonan's.

PHOENIX: (irritably) Oi... Gary, put Luke down and set up the Xbox.

GARY: (not moving from Luke's embrace) Ugh... Do it yourself, you bloody misery guts.

PHOENIX: (demanding) Now!

SAPPHIRE: (protective) You ignore him, Gary. You boys have fun. But if you're going full fuck fest, do it upstairs, I've just had the carpets steamed.

HARRY approaches Sapphire tentatively.

HARRY: Sapphire, can I have a bag of crisps?

SAPPHIRE: (immediately attentive) Of course, you can, Flower. You don’t need to ask. (remembering) Hey, actually, if you're in the mood for something sweeter, I stopped by Asda 24 and got you this. (producing a birthday cake) Just a little something from me to you to say Happy Birthday and welcome to your new home.

HARRY stares at the cake, overwhelmed.

HARRY: (voice breaking) Thank... thank you, Sapphire.

SAPPHIRE: (concerned) Hey, don't cry, Pet.

HARRY: (tears falling) These are... are hap...happy tears.

SAPPHIRE: (relieved) Oh, I'm glad.

Beat. HARRY struggles with something.

HARRY: (quietly) D...do you think Mum is thinking of me tonight?

The room goes quiet. SAPPHIRE's face shows she understands more than she's saying.

SAPPHIRE: (gently, after a pause) I don't know, Pet. But let me tell you something. If she's not, then she's a fool who doesn't know what she's missing.

HARRY nods, trying to compose himself.

HARRY: ... I... I just need a minute.

SAPPHIRE: (directing him) Go through to the kitchen, it's quiet there. I will get some plates in a wee while.

HARRY: (grateful) O...okay.

HARRY exits. The others pretend they weren't listening.

*******

RUBY: (breaking the tension) So, who's playing Fallen Order?

GARY: It's a one-player.

RUBY: Who's watching me play it then?

PHOENIX looks at GARY and LUKE, who are getting cosy again.

PHOENIX: (irritated) Yeah, alright. Luke, can you move your arse? All I can see is you two going at it in the mirror. It's seriously putting me off my Kebab.

ROCHELLE: (to Sapphire) Hey, Sapphire, do you mind if I crash here tonight? I don't want to fork out for Uber.

SAPPHIRE: Course you can. Futon or sofa?

PHOENIX: (territorial) Not sofa, that's where I am staying. Can't be arsed doing stairs. Share with Harry, Rochelle.

SAPPHIRE: Tell you what, I'll take the futon. You take my bed.

ROCHELLE: (protesting) No, I can't do that.
SAPPHIRE: Oh, go on, have it.
HARRY returns from the kitchen, having composed himself
HARRY: So... S...Sapphire bought birthday cake if anyone wants some?
PHOENIX: (immediately interested) God, yes!
RUBY: Please!
ROCHELLE: (kindly) Do you want to cut it, birthday boy?
HARRY: (hopeful) Can I?
SAPPHIRE: (bustling) Go for it. I'll get candles. (searching) Where's my lighter?
PHOENIX: Under your purse.
SAPPHIRE: (finding it) Ah, thank you. (placing candles) Happy birthday. From the top. After three. And a one. And a two. And a thr...
EVERYONE: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday...

PHOENIX: (cutting in loudly, off-key. He is standing on the sofa, still in his platforms) YOU LOOK LIKE A MONKEY. AND YOU SMELL LIKE ONE...

SAPPHIRE fixes him with a death stare.

SAPPHIRE: Phoenix Erikson, take your feet off my chairs, or so help me, you will be sleeping in the doghouse with no cake.

PHOENIX puts his feet down, chastened.

RUBY: Happy birthday!

PHOENIX: (nicely) Make a wish, birthday boy.

ROCHELLE: Yeah, blow out the candles and make a wish.

HARRY closes his eyes, makes a wish, and blows out candles. Everyone cheers.

RUBY: Yay! Now, who has the knife?

SAPPHIRE: (holding up the knife. In her other hand are several plates) I have.

GARY: (returning from the kitchen with kitchen roll) Who's cutting?

PHOENIX: (looking at the Snow White cake) You mean, who's decapitating Snow White?

SAPPHIRE: (pausing, considering the cake) Oh, I didn't think of that. God, she's had it hard, poor lass. First poisoned, then forcibly kissed, now cut up into - (badly multitasking, counting heads) five, six; keep your hands up if you're having cake. Jeez - animals, the lot of you. Anyway, yeah... she had it hard.

PHOENIX: She's a princess, she'll bounce back.

LUKE, curious, looks at HARRY

LUKE: So, what did you wish for?

GARY: (immediately) You can't ask that.

HARRY: (smiling) It's alright.

GARY: No. But it's the principle.

HARRY looks around at all of them - his chosen family with love.

HARRY: (gently) Don't worry. I'm not gonna tell you. All I'm going to say is... (pause) it's already come true.

Beat. The group takes this in.

SAPPHIRE: (softly) Oh, Pet.

SAPPHIRE hands HARRY the knife. He begins cutting the cake as the lights slowly fade.

END OF PLAY