Mez & Dickie

“So you’ll never guess what happened to me?”
“What happened?”
“Downloaded Tinder.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah."
“And? —Any matches?”
“Yeah. About thirty.”
“Wow.”
"Including this guy, “I’m a green grocer, and I would happily sell your melons.”
“Seriously?”
“I know!”
“That’s so stupid.”
“I know, right?”
“… So when are you seeing him?”
“Friday.”

******

“No. No. Eww. No. Maybe. Maybe. Yes! Dickie, I’m taking your li’l black backless.”
“Just remember to dry clean it this time. I don’t want a repeat of Hull '23"
“Yeah, yeah.”
"Hmm. Where’s he taking you?”
“Round the back of Morrisons.”
“… keep the bloody dress.”

******

“His name’s Keith. We matched on Sunday. He’s proper fit, like. Want to see a pic?”
“Go on then.”
“Here you go. Gorgeous, isn’t he?”
“Hmm. He sure is. Familiar too. Babes, have you seen Young Royals?”
“No.”
“That’s a picture of Omar Rudberg. You’re being catfished.”
“What?! Bastard!!… … Are you sure it’s not him?”
“Unless Omar has changed his name and moved to Wolverhampton, I’m sure.”

******

“He was fucking married!”

******

“She was only looking for hookups. Nothing serious.”
“I’m sorry, babes… Did you, though?”
“Aye. Wasn’t bad.”
“That’s something then.”

******

“He asked me if I was up for a threesome.”
“Yeah? That could be fu—”
“With his sister.”
“Fuck sake.”

******

“Okay, Dickie, are you good with acronyms?”
“Am I! … Am I? Perhaps. I know a few. Hit me.”
“Says he’s a proud member of the EDL.”
“Swipe left!”
“You sure?”
“Left!!”

******

“That’s it. I’m deleting this stupid thing.”
“I’m sorry it didn’t work out, Mez.”
“Don’t be sorry. I just don’t need it anymore. You see, I think I’ve found someone… The ONE.”
“What?! No way!”
“Their name is Quigley, and they’re picking me up in about ten minutes. They’re kind, single, genuine and not weirdly into their sister.”
“They sound the total package.”
“Yeah. Maybe… … … I might keep it. Just in case.”
“Hmm. Sure. Just in case. ”