Hazel & Kendall

"Hey."

"Alright?"

"Yeah. Yeah. You? Been waiting long?"

"Not really. About five minutes."

"Cool."

"You good?"

"I ... suppose. Maybe. I don't know."

"It's okay. Yeah. Things are just... a lot. Between work and home and... yeah. It feels so good to just be out of the house. My flatmates are the worst."

"Want something to eat?"

"No, I'll grab a meal deal from the shop for later."

"You mind if I get something?"

"Go for it."

"Thanks. So... you wanna talk about it?"

"... Yeah. I suppose.

"It's just everything I've told you already, you know? It's just getting worse. Those feelings of not belonging. Of not feeling comfortable in my own skin. Being a stranger in my own home. You know what I mean?"

"... ... ... Yeah. I ... I think I do."

"So there is that. And then I'm meeting my brother for coffee next week. Going to tell him about... You know. About Kendall."

"And you're nervous for that?"

"Terrified. What if he takes it the wrong way?"

"He's not going to. Listen, if there's one person who's going to understand what's going on and have your back, it's Wes."

"... ... ... I don't know."

"I do."

"We never had that kind of relationship, though..."

"Not then, maybe. But now? You're both adults... Hmm. When it comes to stuff like this, relationships change, sometimes quite drastically, especially in situations like yours. Take my sister and me. We fought like no one's business when we were at home, but now, with her 25000 miles away, every message is a blessing. Even if it's a mundane check-in about whether I have played the newest COD."

"Hmm. Maybe."

"Just, maybe give it some thought, yeah? You never know, you could be worrying over nothing."

"Story of my life. Fine. You're probably right. How about you? What's got you all...?"

"Lyle."

"Our Lyle?"

"Yeah."

"Why, what's happened now?"

"Well, nothing's happened. That's the point."

"I... think I've lost you."

"Okay, so ... you know how I started therapy a few weeks back?"

"Yeah. With Health and Wellbeing, right?"

"No, I went with a private therapist in the end. Setting aside £160 a month from my ADP for it."

"That's steep."

"Not the point. And for the kind of support we're getting, £160's a bargain. But, it ... kind of revealed a few things. Feelings I've long since suppressed. And now I don't know what to do."  

"You still love him?"

"No. No. No. No. God. No. That ship has long sailed. For both of us. We're just great friends now. BUT... we never got a clean break, you know? That closure. That space to share how we truly felt. We broke up out of necessity. His parents didn't approve of me being trans, so the decision was clear: stay together and have them blame me for destroying the family, and have Lyle one day resent me. Or... break up. Be miserable, but ensure he maintains his home life. And one day, meet someone new."

"Sounds like a no-brainer."

"It was the right thing to do. For both of us."

So where's the conflict?"

"I'm getting to it... So we broke up. Over lockdown. Over text. But it still f... it hurts."

"That's rough."

"Shit happens. Anyway... Things go on like normal. That's all fine. That's all groovy. We're both adults. He didn't think we'd be a long-term thing. I did. Oh, well, that sucks... Guess it's back to being ghosted on Tinder. Then he starts telling us how he has found someone new. Brilliant. Well chuffed for you. But he wants help setting up his first kiss. And reaches out to me as he wants to make it perfect..."

"I don't like where this is going..."

"It's not kissing practice."

"I didn't think it was."

"Oh..."

"Tell me you didn't...?"

"Help him stage his first kiss? And then watch them on the dance floor as it happened? ... ... ..."

"Oh, no... ... ... Hazel..."

"This is old news.... Or at least, so I thought, until it came up during my latest session. It started as a throwaway comment about that evening, and then, twenty minutes later, I was raging at how I was basically branded as some gold-digging abuser who was using Lyle by his parents. And the only reason I didn't say anything worse was that the session finished."

"Have you talked to Lyle about how any of this made you feel?"

"... ... ..."

"He doesn't know?!"

"... ... ..."

"That's not good."

"How would you even bring this up with your friend? Oh, by the way, Lyle, do you remember when you had me set up your first kiss with someone who's now also become my good friend? I was actually super uncomfortable and made me want to walk into the sea, but I obliged because of some deep-seated need to be a people pleaser."

"You could say that to him. That's succinct and to the point. And honest too. Maybe just not the sea part, yeah?"

"But it sounds like I’m blaming him."

"He still hurt you, though. Whether knowingly or not. He still hurt you."

"With the exception of his brother, that whole family hurt me. Had to keep being trans a secret. No pictures. Nothing. Which, fine ... not great, but understood. Documenting a relationship is something not every couple does. But their finding out and refusing to meet me? Advocating so vehemently for him to end our relationship? And then ... Lyle telling me that they welcomed Patrick into the family with open arms... and that they said he was so much better than the last person he was dating... that he seemed so much happier... I've never told Lyle how that made me feel. Part of me wonders... should I? But part of me wonders what this would actually achieve. It happened. It's in the past. They can't hurt me now."

"... ... ... But he already did."

"Hmm.

"I'm not your therapist, but it sounds like that pain is still there. And if I were Lyle, I would probably want to know."

"But he's my friend..."

"Exactly. He would be mortified to learn that he caused you so much pain and suffering."

"... ... ... I can't. Besides, he's going through his own stresses at the moment with his dissertation deadline and his application for a Master's degree and ..."

"You're making excuses for him. And deflecting."

"I'm not... Oh God. I am, aren't I? Fuck. This is so hard."

"Hey, it's alright."

"It's not alright."

"Hey now... Let's get you some chips. I think we are going to need them."