Nate

Oh, this is lovely. Proper gorgeous. Thanks, love. 

Yeah, thanks, Mam, for not cookin'. Don't want to spend me 18th with food poisonin'.

Oi, you cheeky git. I'll have you know, I am a wonderful cook. However, this is me treat to you all. 

Come on, smile, face-ache. It won't kill ya. It's meant to be your birthday.

Nah, I mean it. Thank you, Mam. This is lovely.

Ahh, you're welcome, Nate. 

We sit around the table at the carvery, all of us here—family, or at least those who could be fuckin' bothered to turn up—together finally, after Stewart returned with the biggest Yorkshire puddin's in the place. Always the biggest with Stewart. And I'm not just talkin' about the Yorkies. 

Stewart's me boyfriend. We've been together for a year, and tonight's the night, if you know what I mean? I mean … we've wanked each other off before, obviously. Been doin' that for years. That's how we first knew we were gay. When we were the only ones on the football team jackin' each other off, whilst lookin' into each other's eyes. It were like fate. 

Fast forward two years. Tonight's the night. And it feels right. For both of us. 

But first ... a nice drama-free birthday with the folks. 

Easy peasy. No problems. Nothin' can go---

So I've got an announcement... 

Oh. Here we go... 

I'm leavin' your dad. And I know it's goin' to be hard, but he still loves you and still wants to be there for you. I hope you're not upset with me.  

Thank Christ for that. When she stood up, I thought it were gonna be sommit bad. I hate me Dad. He hates me. He said I were his one mistake in life. Though, accordin' to me sister, me brother, me half-brother, me half-sister, and seven other people on Facebook all claimin' to be the 'bastards of Rodney Jones,' he's made enough mistakes to be comfortably elected into the UK government. 

Of course we're not, Mam. Come here. Give us a hug.

Oh, thanks, darlin'. 

Margaret, pass me me wallet. I owe your mother £100. I said you two wouldn't last the decade. Didn't I, love? 

When? When did you make this bet? 

When was it again, Margaret? 

Ooh, it was the... reception, I think? Yeah, the reception. 

Well ... ... ... I gave it a good innings though, didn't I, Mam? Got three beautiful children out of it. And he said I can keep the house. He already has a place lined up, in London, with his new fella. 

What?! Dad's got a boyfriend?! 

Well, well, well. Look how the tables have turned. Guess I ain't the only queer one in the family. Then again, I thought Dad's muscle magazines had sticky pages. And that was even before I got me hands on them. 

Weird though. He always seemed disappointed to have a 'poof' like me as a son. A 'faggot'. A 'bender.' An 'abomination.'

Absolutely fuckin' loved those words. And he would use them to insult me constantly. Especially after he found out I was one. Yeah, he hit the fuckin roof that night. 

"No son of mine's goin' to be a pillow biter." 

Well, fuck you, Dad... oh, wait, I bet someone already is. 

But... I'm just gonna smile and sip me drink. 

I share a look with me sister. Her mouth's on the table. Me brother has already tucked into his beef. 

Good luck with your new fella, Dad. I bet you're a bottom. The loudest, gobbiest, bigmouths usually are. 

He's moved on fast. 

Not really, actually, Dad. We've been separated for about six months.

Six months?! 

I didn't have the heart to tell you. It wasn't workin'. He said it were because he couldn't get his end away, as I'm always workin' nights. So we agreed, after tryin' a threesome with Jake ---

Jake Paxton?! The butcher— 

Yeah.

Ohh, I love his sausages. 

So did Mam and Dad apparently... Eww. This conversation's both disgustin' - cause it's me parents - and also one of the funniest things I've had in me life. 

I do, too. Have you ever grilled them on the barbecue? They also go lovely with a fried egg on toast. Sorry, love, you were talkin' threesomes. Actually... ... ... Excuse me. Hi ya. Yeah, can I have a pint of Stella? Thanks, pet. Anyone else want a drink? 

I'll have a Kraken on the rocks, please, Nana. 

Oooh, very brave birthday boy. How about you, Stewart? 

A Screamin' Orgasm if you're buyin, Margaret. (Will be havin' one from you later - Stewart whispers in me ear, all hot and dirty like)  

(Just the one?)

(Nah. We'll make a proper night out of it, like.) 

Nana, not so loud, we're in the middle of ... ... ... well, admittedly a rather quiet establishment. 

Me brother has his phone out. No doubt streamin' to his mates: Nana orders Sex on the Beach (for me Mam), a Screamin' Orgasm (Stewart's, of course), a Screwdriver (for me sister), and a Harvey Wallbanger (for me Grandad)—all probably chosen just to see a 79-year-old woman say these drinks to a waiter 50-plus years younger, who's tryin' desperately not to piss himself laughin'

Mam, we don't have to talk about this if you don't...

Oh, we fuckin' do. You can't drop this bombshell on us and expect us not to have so many questions?

Is Jake Paxton gonna be me new daddy? 

Do we get half-price meat from now on? 

I hope so with the bloody prices he charges. Nice stuff, mind. But it's pricey. Makes S&M look like Aldi. 

It's M&S, Grandad. 

What's S&M then? 

Ask Google. 

Ignore him, Dad, he's bein' crude again. 

Hey, I'm not the one who started talkin' threesomes at the dinner table. 

No. I'm not involved with Jake Paxton. Though ever since that night, he's been slippin' me an extra sausage --- Don't say a fuckin' word, you. 

Mam's pointin' at me. Specifically me. We're both smirkin'.

Err language—we're in a most 'respectable fooking establishment'. 

But... there's more... I am seein' someone. Her name's Tanya. I've been seein' her for about two months now... I think. And that's who I was savin' the seat for. 

Mam points to the empty chair, which I assumed was bein' taken by Dad, before I got the text message sayin', 'Soz can't make it.' 

Thanks a bunch, Dad. Didn't even send a hug emoji at the end of it.

Not one little hug or heart for your own son's birthday... I would be hurt if I actually thought he gave two shits. But he doesn't. And all that crap that Mam said earlier about Dad wantin' to be in our life, I know for a fact she was playin' nice. We could all tell. No one was fallin' for it.

That's a thought—do I still have to call him Dad, now he's out of me life? 

I still call Mam, 'Mam', obviously, because I would get a clip round the ear if I didn't. But Dad? Think we can get away with callin' him Rodney? Fuck that. I ain't callin' him, period. Soon as I get out of here, I'm blockin' his number. 

Yeah, I know. I'm a petty bitch. Stewart says that's one of the reasons he loves me. That and me eyes. And me laugh. 

Hmm. Might send Rodney a couple's pic of me and Stewart tonight as a final fuck-you and goodbye. Maybe with a love heart and a middle finger emoji. 

He knows how to send emojis. I had five middle fingers and a sweary face when I told him I was gonna be back late from footie practice one evenin'.

Even more when he realised I were with Stewart. The night we made it official between us. 

 

She's... err she's at another table. 

You brought your girlfriend to me birthday party? 

Mam can't look me in the eye. She just sips her Sex on the Beach through a plastic straw. 

... Yeah...  Is... is that alright? 

Course it is, yeah. Just wanted to say that out loud. 

Mam lets out a relieved laugh and stands up. She mouths 'Thank you' to me as she does. 

I... I'll just go and get her. 

 

As she hurries off, me sister turns to us and goes, Did you have any of this on ya birthday bingo card?

Funnily enough, learnin' that both our parents are queer was not in the cards. Hope you kept the receipt for that Tarot deck you got us.

Called it. - Ashton says at last, lookin' up from his empty plate. 

Bloody hell, Ash. Have you worms? I haven't even started yet. 

He ignores Grandad's question. 

Oh, yeah? How did you call it, Sherlock? 

I heard about the threesome from Jenny Paxton. She was tellin' the whole year group bout it on the museum field trip. Apparently, Mam and Dad are legends. Well, Mam's a legend. Dad's a prick. 

You too, huh? 

Ha, please. Hands up, anyone who didn't think Dad was a prick? 

No hands went up. 

So, your Dad's bi, your Mam's bi. Is anyone else goin' to be comin' out today? Margaret? Gary? Marlene? Ash? 

Stewart sips his drink mischievously. 

Marlene shrugs. Ashton pans round the table with his phone. He is still streamin'. Me and Stewart raise our hands, and he kisses me on the lips. He proper goes for it. With tongue. Fuck. I love it when he does that.

You know this ain't kiss cam, right? 

Hmm. Well, it looks like I'll have to be gettin' your Mam one of those wonderful pride cakes they do down the local bakery.

Ooh, that's a lovely idea. Let's send one to Dad as well, love from me and you. We can also MoonPig his new boyfriend a commiseration card: 'Sorry, you're stuck with Rodney Jones.'

Are you jokin' or bein' serious, right now?

I... honestly don't know.

 

So... this is Tanya. She's from work. So clockwise: This is me Mam, Margaret. Me Dad, Gary. Then it's Marlene, Ashton, and of course, the birthday boy, Nate. Oh, and Nate's boytoy, Stewart. 

Boytoy?! 

Oh, I know you. Aisle 5 the other day. 'How much was the red cabbage?' It didn't have a barcode on it. 

I thought you looked familiar. How're you? 

Ohh, not too bad. That red cabbage made some fine coleslaw.

 

So, Tanya. You're datin' me daughter? 

Erm... I believe we are...? 

Tanya looks to Mam, who nods. 

I don't think anyone told Tanya they were together, so that's a nice surprise for us all. They share a relieved smile. 

She seems very nice, Tanya. When she can get a word in edgeways. 

Me Nana's talkin' to her about their latest trip to Benidorm. 

Me Grandad, every now and then, grills her like one of Jake Paxton's sausages... ... ... ugh, gonna have to get me meat elsewhere. 

Paxton's proper fit, like, so fair play to Mam and Dad. I wouldn't have said no if he asked me out... If I were still single. Speakin' of which... 

I rest me head on Stewart's shoulder. 

 ***************

Lovely to meet you, Tanya. Safe trip home now, love. 

You too. It was lovely to meet you all. 

Bye.

 

 I like her. She didn't say much mind. 

You didn't come up for air, Grandad. 

Well, I was droppin' hints.

You asked if she'd ever been to Crewe. The only people I know who ask that are people warnin' people not to go to Crewe. 

Oi, I'm from Crewe, you cheeky fuck. 

 

... Well?

I really like her. 

Yeah? 

Yeah. Do you? 

I ... I think I do too. You sure this was okay? 

It's fine, Mam. Besides, you looked really cute together. 

You two did too. He's a good lad, Stewart. 

Yeah. He's not half bad. 

Make sure you use protection tonight, love. Okay?

What? 

She just raises an eyebrow at me, and nods to Stewart, who's debatin' with Ashton about who'll be next to appear in Marvel Rivals. 

I heard what you're doin' later. 

Ha! Ears like a fuckin' bat, me Mam. 

 ************

Thanks for a lovely day, Mam. 

Glad you enjoyed love. 

Hey, Mam?

Yeah?

Make sure you follow your own advice. With Tanya. 

Hey!

She sticks her middle finger up at me. We both laugh again. And in the moment, it feels just ... nice. To be honest with one another. Even if we're just flippin' each other off in the car park. 

Don't know how I'll top this. 

Oh, wait. 

Yeah, I do. 

Stewart.