Michelle

Right, so, what do you think? Do I take the black backless or the red strapless?

It’s entirely up to you.

OR --- do I take that daring number: the plunging purple that covers only my most precious of areas?

How coy of you.

You wound me with such accuracy. Tckt.

... Have you been reading the Ethical Slut again?

Can't put it down. Between that, Matthias Roberts, Paris Lees, Emily Nagoski and Kate Bornstein, my reading ain't been light. But bloody rewarding.

Hmm. Can I borrow them after you?

'Course you can. Might be good poolside reading for you.

Hmm. To be honest, I’m just happy to be going on holiday. It's been forever.

Yeah, just the two of us! We'll make it special for you, babes. It’s not every day you get a trip away from your husband.

You’re "away on husband-free holiday" every other week.

I was meaning for you.

Oh... Yeah... Well, I know my Graham will take it quite hard.

Hmm. My Aslan takes it very hard. Or, he will be later tonight with Perry Olsen across the road.  

Oh? And... you don’t... mind?

Why would I? It’s heavenly. A marriage I choose, with my best mate, who, in exchange for helping him pretend to be in the closet for his parents, gives me and my little Stevie the best possible life. A happy, loving home with all the stuff I never had growing up. Safety. Warmth. Freedom. What could be better than that?

I see... Erm... Go backless AND strapless.

That’s my girl!

Do you think this will suit me? It’s a bit short, but the woman in the shop said I would pull it off.

Let’s have a look.

Give us a moment, then. I trimmed and strimmed and everything.

****

Wow! Proper belter.

Oh, thanks, Leah, love! Mwah. Mwah. That makes me go all red.

Your Graham’s a lucky man.

Is he? He doesn’t make me feel it. I modelled that new Anne Summers negligee for him the other night, and he said, “Can you move, you’re blocking the footy?”

He didn’t?!

He did. In fairness, it was the World Cup Final.

No excuse, babes. No excuse.

It’s ... kind of... no... It's the reason why I haven’t told him I’m going. I mean... he knows I’m leaving, but he thinks I’m going to see my mum in Milton Keynes. What’s worse, my mum lives in Tanworth. I... I just didn’t have the heart to correct him. So, I only have this small bag and my copy of Zatanna: The Jewel of Gravesend.

That’s all you need, love. All you need. And hey, if you want to step out of your comfort zone and meet another man, I won’t say a word to Graham.

I... don’t know.

You were thinking it, though, weren’t you?

... ... ...

****

Mum? Can I play Skyrim?

‘Course you can love. Oh, Aslan will be home late tonight, but he made you some paella. It’s in the fridge.

Aces! Thank you! Hey, Aunty Michelle. Great dress. You look banging.

Oh, hello, Stevie, love. Thank you very much. It’s my new outfit for Benidorm.

Yeah? You’ll properly pull wearing that.

Stevie!

What? Isn’t that what you and Auntie Michelle were just talking about?

Hmm. Go play Skyrim. Go on with you now. ... ... ... Don’t know where he gets it from... ... Mind you, he’s not wrong, though. If you wanted to, you definitely would pull something fierce dressed like that.

Ha! And the mystery is answered... So, um... where did you tell Aslan we were going?

Benidorm.

Oh... but... we’re going to Benidorm.

Yeah.

Oh... It’s a ... double bluff (?)

Exactly. Because he knows that I know that I will tell him the truth. And then he’ll know to tell other people that, and in other marriages, it would seem like a lie. You see?

But if my Graham asks Aslan ... and Aslan says Benidorm, then... what’s to stop Graham from thinking well, we've actually gone to Benidorm?

Simple. Your Graham hates my Aslan. And Aslan thinks Graham's a cunt. Graham will hear Benidorm and not believe a word that comes out of Aslan’s mouth.

That... ... ... might just work (?)

I thought so.

****

Mum, your Uber’s here. Also, you said cunt. You have to put a pound in the cunt jar.

So do you, for repeating, smart arse.

Drat! Well, have fun in Benidorm.

You have a lovely weekend too, love. Give my love to Aslan. Oh, and if you are inviting Xavier over, make sure you wear protection.

You too, mum.

========================

So, Leah told Aslan that she and Michelle are going to Benidorm.

Yeah?

So... by all detective reasoning, she’s ... not in Benidorm.

Yeah?

Even though... she got an email on the laptop reminding her to print off a boarding pass for a Ryanair trip to Benidorm.

... ... ... Well, Sherlock, when you piece it all out, let me know, yeah? I won't be able to sleep otherwise.

You’re no help, Sally. I just need to know. Because she said she was visiting her mum. Who... does not live in Benidorm. She lives in Milton Keynes.

Are you sure? Because I know your Michelle’s Tanworth born and bred.

Is she?

... ... ... How long have you been married?

Eight years.

... ... ... Right... So, she’s gone to Benidorm with her mate, big deal? It’s not a crime.

Without telling me?

You sure she didn’t tell you, Mr Eight years?

Yes, I’m sure!

Okay then, so she’s gone to Benidorm... WE PRESUME. What are you going to do about it?

What...?

Well. I assume this is why you are telling us. You have some big grand declaration to show that, despite being a complete Doofus, you still love her and are there for her. Emotionally. Not Geographically.

Love's a very strong word, Sal. At the moment, Graham lad, you are teetering between a possessive, jealous husband and a stalker.

No one asked you, Philip!

You did when you brought your personal life into a work Zoom call. And it is moderately more fun than city planning. So, Item 4 on the agenda, Graham and Michelle’s marriage, any thoughts?

Plenty.

I couldn’t care less.

I don’t get paid enough for this shite.

So, Graham, doll, if you just turn up in Benidorm - WHERE SHE DEFINITELY IS - and go, “Oi, Michelle,” you think that is going to stop her from having an affair?

You think she’s gone out there to have an affair!?

... ... ... You didn’t? Show of hands, who thought this was about an affair? Seven, eight, nine...

I just thought she was escaping the mundanity of this suburban existence. I mean, I would do the same if I were her.

Ooh, so would I.

You'd go to Benidorm?

Nah mate. Too touristy. I’d go to Marbella. Well... I can’t afford Venice. The city of love.

Isn’t that Paris?

I’ve already been to Paris.

Can we get back to Michelle?!

Woah, woah, woah. Fudge! So your wife tells you that she is leaving for the weekend, and you're getting pissy that she actually has left to go on said weekend trip?

It's the principle. She lied. She said she was going to Milton Keynes.

Are you angry that she "lied" or that she actually went ahead and exercised some independence and took a girls' weekend?

... ... ...

Hmm. Sounds like you’ve got a toxic masculinity problem there, Graham.

Bollocks! You're always talking shite, Philip. About stuff you don’t understand.

No? I mean, I've been together with my husband for ten years now, but pop off Queen. And, FYI, when he goes on a trip away, my first instinct isn’t, how fucking dare he and hijack a work Zoom Call to flaunt my insufficiency. A complete mismanagement of company time and resources, I might add.

... ... I’m going to Benidorm!

... ... ...

... ... ...

... ... ...

I’ll come with you!

Thanks, Sa——

Poolside seats to Eastenders with sun, it’ll be glorious.

It’ll be fine. It’ll be good. It’ll be just like the films.

What will you say to her?

I love you. Don’t do anything you’ll regret.

Too late for that. She married you.

Savage, Tonska!

... ... ...

At least start with her name. Show some class at least.

==============================

You want another screaming orgasm, Lee?

Always.

Dos screaming orgasms, por favor.

Coming right up, ladies.

Oooh, that’s what he said.

Leah!

What? We’re on holiday... Why are you hopping from foot like that? You need the toilet?

No. I’m just limbering up for tonight. I can’t wait to get out there on the dancefloor and get dancing.

Oooh, have you been practising your moves?

I have.

You know, Stevie taught me one that all the kids are doing these days. He calls it a death drop. It's all the rage on Drag Race.

Death drop? Sounds dangerous.

Not really. You can do it in heels.

You can do a lot of things in heels if you really want to. It's not the highest of bars.

Aslan also taught me how to "slutdrop it like it's hot". I’ve been working on it at home, and it has gotten good results down The Dog and Bone. In fact, that's how we pulled the Kane siblings.

Oooh. I’ve... not danced at home for a while. Last time, I tried to do the Dance of the Seven Veils for my Graham. Didn’t have veils, so had to settle for dishcloths and bedrunner.

Oh, how did he take it?

He said my arms weren’t straight and lacked the proper technique for it.

So it wasn’t a Ten from Len?

Not even a one. Which is kinda what I was hoping for. Just something... anything to show he ... still actually has the spark for me. You know?

... Yeah, love. I do... I do.

Do you ... do you think this is a sign that ... ... ...?

... ... ... Yeah. I do.

But ... but ... where do I go from here? What do I do?

... ... You can always stay with us. Me, Aslan and Stevie. We already see you as family, love.

And what of Graham? What if ...?

Graham’s a cunt, love.

... But... he’s my cunt. Or... he was (?) ... once... I don’t... know...

It’s entirely up to you, love.

... ... ... Eight years ... ... ...

They’ve not been wasted, yeah? Remember that. Never wasted, just ... ... ... otherwise occupied.

... eight years.

Your screaming orgasms.

Gracias ... senior.

De nada.

=======================

Michelle. I love you. Don’t do anything you’ll regret. Michelle. I love you. Don’t... Michelle. I love —

Drop the "don’t do anything you’ll regret" line. It’s not a threat. Just say, "Michelle. I love you."

But what if she is out here having an affair? And what if she doesn’t regret it?

Then ... maybe... it just wasn’t meant to be.

But... I love her.

Hmm. So you’ve said. That whole planeride. All while demonstrating that, actually, you don’t really love her, just the concept of her. Because you clearly don’t respect her boundaries, her autonomy or even know that her mother is NOT from fucking Milton Keynes. A cursory glance at Facebook can tell you that.

Sally? You too?

Mate, I’ve been saying it this ENTIRE time. You just haven’t been bloody listening. Same as always.

But... I came all this way. You came all this way. On Ryanair.

I came with you because I genuinely thought you were just bluffing with the others. Playing the big I am. That you were not actually daft enough to pull some Love Actually style bullshit. Then, when you actually bought the tickets... I thought, yay, free holiday. So, I’ve resigned myself to being your fed-up and put-upon Jiminy Cricket.

But... this is romantic.

Is it?

Yeah. I turn up, she sees me, and she swoons into my arms. We kiss. People clap. All under the Spanish sun. It's just like in the movies.

Alternatively, she sees you, she freaks at this clear breach of privacy and boundaries and demands a divorce. Or files a restraining order against you, for, oh, I don’t know — following her to another country without her knowledge or consent. Not trusting her. For taking her for granted for eight years.  

To surprise her.

Is that the usual kind of surprises you have in your marriage? Just randomly turn up unannounced and uninvited to events that she goes to?

iumhaventactuallysuprisedherinmymarriageinawhile.

What was that?

... I... said I haven’t actually surprised her in my marriage for a while. Every time... It’s ... always... been... her... Oh... Aslan is right. I am a cunt, aren’t I?

... ... ...

This... this was all a huge mistake.

... ...

Fuck.

... I’m sorry, Graham. Let’s go home, yeah? I’ll get the tickets.

... ... ... yeah... ... ... i'm sorry Sal.

==============

Graham? Graham? Are you in, love—? Oh, there you —

Hi! Hi... How... How was Tanworth?

It was Benidorm, love.

I... ... ... know.

I know you know.

... ... ... Oh...

Yeah. I think we need to talk. Properly.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We can talk. We can ... can definitely, um, definitely talk.

Let me just put my bag down, okay?

You mean... you’re... staying?

For now.

Oh... thank God.

Don’t go thanking him just yet. You need to explain about a certain impromptu trip to Benidorm, you big dope.

... ... ... i’m sorry ... ... Aslan told you?

No. Sally and Phil did. They were worried about you.

... ... ... sorry.

Come here. You bloody big dope.

I’m sorry... I just ... missed you.

... ... I missed you too... ... ... You want to get a pizza?

I... I ... um... I actually cooked us something.

You... cooked...?

Yeah. It’s not much, but... yeah.

Hmm.

It’s paella. Um... Aslan... taught me the recipe.

You went to Aslan for cooking advice?

... yeah...

Come here... I’m still very annoyed with you.

I know.

And I’ll be annoyed for some time.

I know.

Good. Just checking.

I love you, Michelle.

I love you too, Graham. BUT things need to change.

... ... ... I know.

Starting today.

Okay.

And if they don’t... ... ...

I... understand.

Good... Now let's try this paella, then.